I have always loved my belly button. Until last year, I still had a small nub in my belly button from birth. It finally fell out last year. It’s departure was noticed and left me wistful for its return.

Today I’m 30 weeks pregnant and obsessively looking for stretch marks. Starting to lose my breath easy and by the end of the day I feel like a beached whale who just ate a basketball.

The one thing that no one told me is how much my belly button would hurt. I mean I guess I always knew that during pregnancy, innies turn into outies. I admire Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Palmers Cocoa Butter commercial with her distended stretchmark-less belly and perfectly protruded belly button.

No one told me having an outie would hurt.

Everyday the progressive bruising and pain is more noticeable. I always thought my belly button was rather cavernous. A deep, dark, canyon that once held a little itty bitty nub. As if the nub knew he had to find better pastures, I am hoping that the deep dark recesses will never see the light of day.

However, I’m not so sure. Especially not the way I’ve been eating lately. Stretch marks and outies seem to be on the horizon.